Sometimes it’s easy to see why the “health and wealth” perversion of Christianity is so popular. Just be a good person, just check off these boxes, and life in this world will go well. I’m a box-checker by nature. I have five whiteboards in my house devoted to various lists of activities. But I also read the Bible, and the Bible says that works of the law – “good person” checklists – lead only to death and despair. Head knowledge, though, isn’t always heart knowledge.

Last night I cried myself to sleep. From my morning doctor appointment through the day, I was in a good mood, despite the addition of a pair of crutches to my life. Perhaps the sunny weather and good company softened the news that a stress fracture in my leg would keep me from hiking through most of the summer. Certainly, the aching arms from the crutches hadn’t hit yet. Either way, it all slammed into me as I lay in bed and tried to pray. All that came were tears.

I spent the last few months slowly starting to exercise after a three-year break following a serious knee injury and surgery from which I never quite recovered. Each session on the elliptical was a miracle and, when I started to hike again, my heart could barely contain my joy. It was fitting, I thought, that I began tromping through the hills just as Spring broke. I praised God for his marvelous Creation as each day I watched the flow of green gradually spread to the highest treetops. When I started adding spurts and then stretches of running to my hikes, I was elated. Running had been my passion since I joined my middle school’s cross-country team in sixth grade, but injuries have kept me from it for the last decade. I thanked God each day for such a marvelous gift.

Now – now, what do I say? What do I think? What do I pray? I do believe, firmly, that God is good, all good gifts come from him, and he alone knows what is best for me. But I can’t help my heart from crying, Why? Exercise is a joy to me, as well as powerful medicine for my chronic illness. Losing it again… why did God give it back for only a couple months? It would have been easier if I had never been given that taste. Now, not only am I unable to exercise, but I also feel the loss of it heavy on my heart. Why?

Lord, I asked you for each hike, I thanked you for every session on the elliptical. I did it right, so why did you take it away?

Make the list, check the boxes, and expect God to work according to my rules. What folly. At least, God, I prayed last night, at least tell me what I’m supposed to do now.

Alone and crying last night, song lyrics came to mind, as they often do when the noise of my thoughts threatens to overwhelm me. In the beautiful lament Weep with Me, Rend Collective sings…

It was right before I fell asleep that Laura Story’s words in Blessings drifted into my mind…

I grieve. I wonder why, why was such a good gift given only on loan? My tears, the pain in my leg, and the aching in my shoulders – they seem like all there is. But if this life were perfect, why would we hope for the next? And if being a “good Christian” brought healing and joy, why did Jesus die? The sun is streaming through my window today. It’s a perfect day for a hike, but my crutches are leaning against the wall next to that window. I don’t know why so many people can run and I can’t, and the pain and confusion of this loss still ache. Still, the heartbreak of this world makes my longing for the next all the more acute.

I will wait and I will hope. I will hope to run again, and I will pray for healing. Above all, though, I will pray…

My God in heaven, hallowed be your name. Your kingdom come, your will be done… by me as by all of Creation.

I don’t know what God is trying to teach me, and my box-checking-self squirms anxiously at the unknown. But I know Jesus weeps with me over the pain of this world. And I know that my only hope comes from my desire to do God’s will, whatever it may be. Faith – just faith – is my hope, because Jesus checked off all the boxes on my list 2,000 years ago.