*I have started compiling the story of my illness and it’s role in my returning to faith. This is page 1. It was a sticky night in late August, 2009. The streets of the Upper East Side of Manhattan were quiet, but I was not. Terrified and confused, I was crying for no reason, and…
Tag: emotions
Hope Is Kindled
And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more,…
Let There Be Light
When was the first time you saw fireflies? As I’m sure I gave away in asking, I’m not from the South, and in California we had neither fireflies nor lightning bugs. I was about ten years old when I left the state for the first time, flying to Maryland to visit my grandparents. I recall…
Circuit Breaker
Growing up, my brother used to call me Circuit Breaker. Since childhood, I’ve done everything either all-in or not at all – and this was before the bipolar disorder showed up. While this lack of moderation contributed to academic success and athletic medals, it also led to quite a bit of trouble. Yes, I have…
Weep With Me
Sometimes it’s easy to see why the “health and wealth” perversion of Christianity is so popular. Just be a good person, just check off these boxes, and life in this world will go well. I’m a box-checker by nature. I have five whiteboards in my house devoted to various lists of activities. But I also…
This Is the Day
The sun shone yesterday, but inside of me confusion, anxiety, and desperation roiled. Sunday. Church. Mother’s Day. And all I can think of is me. I try not to. I beg God to stop my mind from obsessing over every piece of my life. Good, bad, not yet come to pass, it doesn’t seem to…
Under Threat of Darkness
I feel like a shell – hollow, like an Easter egg. Such utter emptiness is welcome, because otherwise what fills me is pain, torment, and anger. Sometimes, when the depression invades, hollowness is a gift. I have always written from my heart and my heart is crying out right now. Tonight, though, truth and light…
The Humility of the Lord
Today, I’m simply writing a word of encouragement, and I’m writing it mainly because I need it. Today marks the first day of my first “real” job since becoming ill. I’m desperately afraid that I’ll say something stupid or my employer will find out what a mess I am. I read some Psalms this morning,…
Walk Down This Mountain
Why is it so easy to go from feeling the presence of God beside you to living as if only what is visible exists? Have you ever tried to see the world the way one of the Bible heroes did? I try to imagine the fear and wonder that overcame Moses when he saw God…
Body and Soul
Vulnerability. Just typing the word makes me tense up. Unless you’re talking about anger or happiness, I prefer my emotions to remain inside of me, where they belong. I have no idea when I started locking away most of my distressing emotions and I’m not sure why, either. In fact, I was clueless that I…
Before the Fire 